| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
i'm signed up for school. i'm taking college algebra again and then working my way up from there. my math-confidence is low and the prerequisites for all of the programs i'm applying to are higher than what i've done. i can't start from where i was because i wasn't getting it then. perhaps if i conquer my math problem it will open up the doors to other things. school starts on the 12th.
i guess i'll go all the way back to christmas. it was awesome. i woke up christmas morning and went to my grandma's house, had breakfast with all of my cousins. everyone showed up and we opened presents. i held jacob while he opened his. i just had to start a corner for him and he was enthusiastic about tearing the rest of the paper off. i talked to kevin, and now that he's got an insulin pump i can babysit him without worrying too much. he doesn't get shots anymore, and i know how to check his sugar. my parents, sister, brothers and their SOs came back to our house around 5pm and we did presents then. usually we're all together in the morning and then scatter for the rest of the day but i think we decided that we liked ending up together at the end of the night because then we could just relax instead of get all ramped up to go out all day and run around. i got a new tuner for my ipod so the static i get in the car is way less obtrusive. i also got a gift certificate to get my car detailed. since it's worth $150 i assume they're going to give it the full treatment. i'll drop it off in the morning and pick it up later that day. have to find someone to help with that. i also got another salt lamp, the burt's bees mint gift set (LOVE IT), and renewed subscriptions to newsweek and natl geo. also got some money and $50 at old navy. and some rosemary bar soap that i'm in love with.
i've had 2.5 day work weeks for the past two weeks, and i'm really excited about having an uninterrupted week now that the holidays are over. we're not allowed anymore overtime, so i'm considering looking for a part-time job while i continue to look for a better full-time job. here in melbourne and in orlando. you'd think with all that time off i'd be dreading going back to work. no. i miss it.
i started and completed a project yesterday that i've been contemplating doing for 3 YEARS. it took ALL day, but i finished it. there were some painful after-effects and i expect the maintenance to be a bitch, but it was worth it. definitely a confidence booster.
new years eve was a whole lot of fun. i went to jacksonville for  yes_that_tonya's party and saw jaxsjoe, triplejay, and unexpectedly bunglespice. joel and i agree that tonya's house is the most awesome thing you can get for under $700/month. sure it leans a little, but it gave the nerds something to use the level function on their iphones on :) plus it was fun ramping into people as the night wore on. we watched downtown fireworks on the deck in the back, and i started out the new year getting hugs from someone i love. it really doesn't get much better than that.
tricia and i were supposed to do our christmas together the day after, but she ended up hanging out in miami for another day. i talked to her on my way home thursday. it was 1:30pm and she was already drunk on the beach. she told me that her and nate have devised a plan where they are only going to drink on holidays. it seems simple, but it gets complicated when you factor in that a birthday counts as a holiday, and their rules state you can save a holiday up and use it on a different day. hey, any attempt to curb the drinking is a good one, no matter how ineffective. since tricia really is my only hope as a potential roommate, i'm very hopeful that this will calm things down. i really need to get out of my parents house, but her lifestyle does not mesh well with mine, especially now that i'm back in school. the last thing i need is to live in a party house.
i've been pretty anti-social for the past few weeks. i've been spending a lot of time by myself, and a lot of time thinking. i feel like a very different person. it's almost like turning thirty was a milestone because there were times when it felt like i wasn't going to make it this far. but i did, and i feel much calmer than i did even six months ago. i can't explain all the reasons why. i feel like it's a new year and a opportunity for a new life. because of a song lyric, i recently compared my life to smashing a new mercedes every night. because that's essentially what i do. i take what is an awesome life and i smash it all up on a daily basis. there are all kinds of excuses and reasons why i do it, but the point is now that i recognize it and i'm taking steps to stop that.
i've been staying away from getting another checking account because my money is already budgeted out down to the last $5 and if i overdraft even once, it would take me at least another pay period to catch back up. i'm an overdrafter. i don't make enough money to keep a decent balance in a checking account so that i don't do that. but i have decided to open a savings account. since gas has gone down i'm ending up with an extra $20-30 every paycheck, and i think if i start throwing that and any other extra money i have into a saving account i might be surprised at what i can accumulate. it's not much, but i have to start somewhere. that's kind of my mantra right now. i don't have much but i have to start somewhere.
and i suppose it's time i started at least trying to date again. i haven't been out on a date in several months. i haven't been in the mood. i'm still really not, but i know i'm never going to meet anyone if i don't actually get out there and meet someone. my sex drive is pretty low, so i'm definitely not going to have any problems deflecting that obnoxious attention. also, being uninterested in sex helps weed out the losers. i do not want to get laid. i want to meet someone who wants to start slow, but build up to a permanent partnership. i want them to be on good terms with their family, interested in having children and open to adoption, and stable in themselves and their career. it's a lot to ask. there aren't a lot of men out there like that. especially not the kind of unusual, laid-back, devilishly-minded kind of man it would take to be interested in me and hold my interest in him.
i hope he's out there, but i have definitely come to the place in my life where i accept that he may not be, and i've envisioned what the rest of my life may look like should i never meet him. it's not that bad. i have a lot of family around me and i get to baby-sit the kids whenever i want. things like sleeping with someone and having sex every day seem inconsequential. i've wanted a family my whole life. it's why i badgered my mom and step-dad into getting married. it's why i almost married ryan, why i stayed with jon for so long, and why i made the insane decision to move in with david last year. i've been chasing the idea of family for more than 10 years, and i've failed completely and spectacularly. i've run out of steam on the point. so i'm off to chase a career instead. at least i will get quantifiable results there, and put myself in a position to not have to live with anyone else. even though i prefer to.
the deadlines for the radiological programs at bcc and ucf are both in march. my applications are ready. so is my backup plan. should i be rejected (and it's likely), i'm going to enroll in the biotechnology program at ucf in the fall. if i can't find a job over there and get my living situation set up by then, well then i am just full of fail, aren't i? seeing as how my backup plan, the first i've ever actually had, would lead to a better career path than even my main plan offers, i think i'm in pretty good shape for once. all that's left is the time that needs to pass and the work that needs to be done.
does it have to be so lonely? it would seem that it's simpler that way.
|
excited
creative![[info]](http://piktures.deadjournal.com/community.gif){kind=small}
sad
depressed
chipper
exhausted
far & away
bouncy